Date: 02/23/17 02:06 pm Title: Changing
Short and sweet, A good read, thank you for sharing.
Date: 06/14/14 09:32 pm Title: Epilogue
Great story. I really like pregnacy stories and with this one having a happy ending its all together an A+ story
Author's Response: Thank you very much. My next few stories will not include pregnancy, but it might be something I come back to later.
Date: 06/13/14 08:07 pm Title: Epilogue
I was surprised to find I liked this. It lacked the poor transformee being mistreated instead she did the best she could at preserving her sense of self. Then she turned the tables on the pervert and found happiness. That's a win!
Author's Response: A win indeed! I'm not the biggest fan of bimbo stories, hence the maintaining of self.
Date: 06/13/14 01:46 pm Title: Epilogue
This is a good story but I feel a little rushed 6 or more chapters mite of been nice
Author's Response: I agree, rushing was definitely a problem with this. I was eager to finish and start another story, and I think that Lateral Promotion suffered for my haste. I don't intend to make that mistake again
Date: 06/13/14 01:38 am Title: Changing
Good story, 2 things though, I thought the process made her unable to become pregnant and I felt like the character accepted and fell into her role too quickly. After the first chapter it basically just became a normal everyday love story with some pornagraphic description. There needs to be a bit more mental anguish or resistance especially when the transformation happens quickly as well.
Author's Response: Pacing was definitely a problem in this story, I agree with that. Illiara adapts a bit to quickly when I read back over it, I somewhat explain that with the brainwashing, but that rings a little bit hollow. It is a problem that I intend to work on in my next story.
Date: 06/12/14 08:00 pm Title: Changing
OK I will let it slide this time! But you could have done so much: the cooking, the IDs and so much more!
Author's Response: I could have, but hindsight is 20/20. All I can do now is try not to make the same mistakes in my next story
Date: 06/12/14 05:11 pm Title: Epilogue
This was a short, sweet tale, but there were a few things that bothered me about it.
First, you are a great writer, and I like your style, but this seemed rushed. It could have gone a lot further with your talent, and I don't necessarily mean a lot longer.
Second, the guy seems too perfect right off the bat, and bit too trusting for someone who is supposedly, intelligent, successful, and with some connections with the underworld. He doesn't even question her previous situation? With a story like hers, even if I believed her, the first thing I'd think is that there could be some really bad people coming after her.
All in all, good writing, but rushed and with a few questionable plot elements.
Author's Response: The story was rushed, I agree on that. I was a little to eager to finish what I viewed as practice and get into my next story. I didn't take the time to even try and flesh out Eric, and it definitely shows through. In the future, I will spend the effort to build complete characters, and have a story that doesn't skip so much.
Date: 06/12/14 04:38 pm Title: Epilogue
Very cute,loved the story,but felt it needed the chapters you skipped!
Author's Response: Said chapters were skipped because the muse fell silent for them. I couldn't come up with a whole lot of ideas to fill out the romance, and to my regret, I didn't try very hard. This story was intended to teach me the basics of writing so that I could write my next story better. I neglected this story a fair bit while planning the next one, and it shows. I wanted to get into my next story, and in hindsight, I feel like I let this one go half done. I do not intend to let that happen again.
Date: 06/12/14 04:34 pm Title: Epilogue
Have to say this was a wonderful well written story. Really enjoyed the ending. Shame all I could give you was 5 stars
Author's Response: Thank you very much. This was a practice story for me to get my basics down, hopefully my next story will be better yet.
Date: 06/12/14 04:09 pm Title: Changing
So, I usually wait a few chapters to form a more rounded opinion and to give the author time to establish the story/characters, and then I saw that the story was already nearing its end, so I figured I might as well wait for when it was finished. So mea culpa for not reviewing earlier, but I've been keeping an eye on this one since the beginning. Well, okay, I lie. Since the second chapter ;)
I loved the subversion in said chapter. Nothing puts me off a story faster than sexual assault/brainwashing written in such a way as to be titillating, so I approached the premise with caution, and was rewarded with satisfying comeuppance. I liked that she was still physically strong enough to punch her captor out - "weaker than the average man" does not mean "delicate snowflake forever incapable of doing even a little damage" as is, sadly, the case in too many of these type of stories.
Okay, I should not praise you for not doing things, but it was such a breath of fresh air. Now onto things you did do, and did well.
You have a great, descriptive writing style that lends itself to visualizing things easily. Your dialogue flows smoothly and sounds realistic, and even though this story kept a more serious tone, I did like your wit and humor when you allowed in a little levity in the form of romantic banter.
That said, I think the story moved too fast. That she would arrive at a plan for action so quickly, with so little thought given to it, and already be attending a high society party hours after her change rang... false. I'd have liked to have seen more introspection, a little more mourning of her old life, and just some time where she gets used to her new body and makes her plans.
Alternatively, make it clear that it's a snap decision born out of panic and shock, and that she's at least partially acting on her brainwashing. Basically, she's far too calm to be acting out of irrationality, and the action itself far too erratic to seem rational.
The compressed timeframe likewise made Eric seem a little too...perfect? He meets a perfect stranger who won't give a full name, shares one conversation and instantly offers his home to her when she asks. Then there's sexytiem, and suddenly he's offering to make fake IDs for her and asking her to be his girlfriend. 7 months later, we jump to a wedding. There's just a lot of intermediate steps missing for that romance to be believable and for Eric to be a rounded character, imho. There was a lot of opportunity for tension/drama in this premise that was not taken advantage of - the slow seduction, Illyria falling for him despite initially only wishing to use him, Eric finding out that her past is a lie, etc. etc. Right now he's just... a stepping stone to our protagonist's Happily Ever After, not a person.
I think that if you slowed down and allowed your characters to breathe a little, you have the potential to be a really great author.
Author's Response: I knew from the start that this story was going to be a little bit rushed. When I first sat down to write it, I had 3 chapters planned. Change, dance+sex, follow up. Some of those got divided further, but I didn't have enough of the story planned out to really take things slowly. I did at one point plan to have several days of her acclimating to the change using Parson's house as her base, but I decided to discard that chapter because I simply didn't know what to write for it. Some of the chapters seem to write themselves, but that one just would not appear on paper. As for acting on her brainwashing when going to the party, when writing it, I thought it was fairly clear, but looking back, I agree, it's barely hinted on. Fleshing out the romance with Eric was something that I just didn't have enough ideas for to attempt, the relationship is rushed as a result. That said, it is a fair complaint, and something that I need to greatly improve upon in my next few stories. I was worried for a while when I wrote the first two chapters that hinting bimbo would drive away allot of the people who don't like that, and then revealing it to be a fake, would then drive away the fans of it, but I'm getting good feedback on the surprise punch-out and I liked the idea from the beginning. For the most part, I will try to make my TGed characters will be perfectly capable people on the other side, without becoming frail or cowardly. This was a practice story for me, something to cut my teeth on before writing something more ambitious. My next story will be another 3-5 chapter one, to give me some more experience writing action scenes and to work on my fundamentals, but after that, I will take what I have learned and apply to to a larger story that will take the time to really flesh out each character to the best of my ability. Thank you for your feedback, every bit of honest criticism helps me to learn, and getting a review from my roll model makes me very happy indeed. Hopefully either "Guardian" or the story to follow will be worthy of 5 stars from you.
Date: 06/10/14 09:29 pm Title: Morning After
Well I'm guilty. Some how I forgot to track your wonderful story and missed some very juicy chapters. And I really did enjoy them a lot :)
Author's Response: I sentence you to 100 years in jail! :P Thanks for the praise. There will only be 1 more chapter, and it will mostly be an epilogue, but I'm already working on the plot of my next story. It will have less juicy scenes, but hopefully I can take the experience of writing Lateral Promotion and improve my base writing quality.
Date: 06/10/14 07:27 pm Title: Morning After
I'm so enjoying this story,and I will be sad when it's ends!
Author's Response: Don't worry, I already have my next story planned. It will have more action and less romance then this one, but hopefully you will like it just as much as this one
Date: 06/09/14 01:36 am Title: Dance
Sorry, I forgot to rate this. It's easily a ***** caliber fic.
Understood that you wrote this without a strict outline. It's OK. If everyone acted rationally 100% of the time, we wouldn't have any drama!
Author's Response: Thanks :) And who need rationality, drama ftw!
Date: 06/09/14 12:12 am Title: Dance
As somebody who absolutely despises sex slave/bimbo TG stories, I'm glad to be surprised for once. I didn't see the "twist" coming, which put a smile on my face while reading it. Yeah, fuck you Parson. You got exactly what you deserved.
On the other hand, the reviewer below me made a good point. Parson could have done ANYTHING he wanted with the serum. Why didn't he use it to turn himself into a more handsome man?
Anyways, great story mate. The writing is good, and I'm very pleased that the former man now woman is independent and kicks ass. Will be following.
Author's Response: Like I mentioned for the below review, I really don't have a good reason why Parson didn't change himself instead. He was a shallow narcissistic a**, and that would always have shown, but he probably would have used it on himself if I had thought the start out a little more. This story is mostly being written off the cuff with a rough plan, so a few things are likely to slip through the gap. And although Illiara will eventually wind up a domestic wife, I didn't want to go full bimbo with her, I felt that was too far into stereotype. I wanted to try and write a mostly normal, if slightly sexual, character. Thanks for sticking with my story past the first chapter and the fake foreshadowing of her being a sex slave.
Date: 06/08/14 10:16 pm Title: Changing
All the poor guy wanted was a wife, but he did deserve what he got when he took it too far. But I was just wondering why he didn't make himself more attractive and be a bit more cautious before trying to take over someones life.. And this is a pretty good story especially if its your first.
Author's Response: I really don't have an explanation as to why Parson didn't change himself. Because plot? And thanks, hopefully you'll like the rest of it. It is my first, but I don't expect it to be my last
Date: 06/06/14 03:46 pm Title: Dance
Excellent chapter,I like what's happening,but I would have hooked his old boss to the machine and shot him up with some of his stuff.
Author's Response: I considered doing that, but decided against. There was only enough serum for 1 person, and I couldn't come up with anything good for brainwashing him. Rest assured, he is not doing well, I'll put a brief shoutout to him in a few chapters
Date: 06/01/14 11:19 pm Title: New Body and Mind
I think the chapter length is fine. You start at a good point and conclude the chapter in a satisfactory way. Thanks for not bimbo-fying her. I do not care for the dumb blonde stories (being blonde and a post T girl for the past 15 years I find that genre a bit demeaning).
Author's Response: Thanks. I find a bimbo story fun every now and again, but I'd rather cut my teeth trying to write a more intelligent character. I can see why you wouldn't like the idea of bimbofication, thanks for sticking with my story through the fake hints that she would get bimbofied.
Date: 05/31/14 10:09 am Title: New Body and Mind
Well done,I loved the way you went! Looking forward to the next chapter!
Author's Response: Thanks, I was hoping that the bit of foreshadowing from chapter 1 wouldn't be to obvious that the brainwashing didn't work completely. Next chapter should get to the fun and steamy parts
Date: 05/30/14 08:47 pm Title: Changing
Poor fellow. It must really suck to have your mind messed up in that manner.
Author's Response: The process itself is unpleasant, but on the other side, she feels like it is the right way to be. Still, given the particulars of this brainwash... /almost giving spoiler
Date: 05/30/14 03:56 pm Title: Changing
Very nice beginning, especially for a first try. I'm really looking forward to the next chapters.
Author's Response: I've been just a reader on this site for a while, I did my best to avoid the major pitfalls in grammar or pacing. I have the next chapter pretty well planned, not sure exactly what to do in the third. Hopefully my muse will show up in time
Date: 05/30/14 08:47 am Title: Changing
Excellent start,the story was good and interesting,you got right to the action,now the fun stuff can happen.
Author's Response: Thanks! I originally had a chapter of set up before this one, but I couldn't make it flow well, so I decided to start en media res. Next chapter is when the good stuff can start