Date: 04/19/14 04:42 am Title: Chapter 1
This story has potential. However, mistakes were plentiful. I liked the story itself, no matter how rushed and unrealistic it ended. A for effort.
Some mistakes I see at the end: "obayed" should be obeyed, "johanna" should be Johanna, "her voice was also like girls" should be her voice was also like a girl's, and "5990$" should be $5990.
Overall, a decent story with it's flaws, but it wasn't as terrible as some of the others present on this site.
Date: 04/18/14 02:31 pm Title: Chapter 1
This story needs a lot of work. The concept seems coherent overall, but the structure is a mess. There are misspellings, grammatical errors, run-on sentences, and no separation of paragraphs. These things can make a story very unappealing, even if it has a good concept behind it. I would suggest spending a little more time on the story to edit the work and make it flow a little better. Generally, you don't want to use a "flow of thoughts" style, since the idea is to present this work to other people, hence why you're posting on this site. I hope this helps!