Date: 04/08/15 01:42 am Title: Chapter 9: in inceptum finis est
What kind of screwy ending is that? This story essentially lost the plot quite early on and has long since ceased to make any sense or follow any kind of narrative logic. Frustrating.
This has, at times been brilliant, other times completely radge, Please fix this story - or at least explain why it went from winning Battle of the Bands to depressing suicide episode? Also Angela is bulimic? Since when? I do not recall any evidence in the story prior to now,
Author's Response: I will go back and fix the story as I know that some of the earlier chapters are not as good or as detailed as the later chapters. I will also rewrite the ending to explain it better. Angela's bulimia is hinted at in chapter 6 as billy finds out about her wish, admittedly I should have emphasised it more.
Date: 04/04/15 08:28 pm Title: Chapter 7: To Be Male Or To Be Female
Oo just read them now, great work so far, looking forward to the next chapters 👏😋
Author's Response: I'm working on the next chapter but it may come out in parts due to the fact that I have written about half of it (excluding epilogue) and it's already about the same length of the most recent chapter.
Date: 05/02/14 04:04 am Title: Chapter 3: Sunday pt 2
Dude it's waaay better. And you actually took care of the points I've stated before. And sorry if I sound very rude, or like if I was nagging. I'm not going to be a bother with the grammar thing. As such you have a very good grammar, but as I said before you need to put capital letters! At the beginning of every sentence. And commas! They are very important! They can change the meaning of a sentence. The rest is just how you write the sentences, we still understand the meaning, but you just need to tidy them up.
These are just personal questions. Don't get mad if you do. You have tons of knowledge of Scotland you must had live there, or you live there. But you're cursing english one, which means either english is your second language(Like me!), or you are very young. If it's the second one. WOW. And the music... niceeeee. I play the guitar and I love that genre. If you ever want to talk about bands, I'm always opened to talk.
P.S. If you want someone to edit your stories I would happily do it.
Author's Response: Thanks for the review I made sure I got all the points you stated in your previous review. The music I used was just the ones I was listening to. If you want to help I am completely fine with it you would have to tell me what to do though
Date: 04/04/14 01:47 am Title: Chapter 2:Sunday Pt 1
Okay buddy, my sincere apologies for not reviewing this story earlier, I don't know what happened, I think I just forgot it. Okay, let's go. Your story has a shit-ton of talent, It's the first time I've seen the use of a magical website, your characters are great, you have a good background of the mother now, and you just revealed about a sisters room.
Now, sorry but every rose has its torn. Your grammar is sometimes awful, you need to start a sentence with a capital letter, and also when you use the pronoun I. And about the "sisters room" did you perhaps tried to say "sister's room" referring to a single sister? Try to specify this "problem" so we don't get fooled again. And punctuation! for example, commas, you used them correctly in places, but at the same time when you need one, you didn't put one. And POINTS any sentence termination needs them, text, dialogue, EVERYTHING!
And this is more of my opinion, don't get mad at it if you don't agree. Look, as I said before your story has talent, but it lacks in tons of things. You didn't give a background to the characters, personalities, how they look, what they like, etc.You simply jumped straight to the story. I could give you a brief list of what we know:
He's 16 years old, he's probably wishes to be a girl(or just likes to read/write about this stuff [Like I do]) since he's been caught watching a TG site, he has a sister/or multiple, his parents are divorced, and his mother is Scottish.
See! No personalities, he seems that he says yes to everything, and doesn't care of what is happening around him. Like: "Oh! I'm a girl now! I want cereal..."
That's another point I have to say. Your story is very straight forward, his mother doubt about his/her true identity, and with just a little secret... BAM! Straight to the hugs and kisses! And your last two sentences: "Sure! I'll need new clothes anyway." I said... "Fuck my life!" I thought to myself... See the contrast? One is saying "yes, sure", and the other one is saying "FUCK NO!" And both are referring to the same thing. You need to put meaning to the dialogue, because she got the chance to not go to the store, and she said "Fuck my life." That sounds a bit, masochist you know? If he seriously hates the idea of shopping, and he had the chance to skip it, why did he accept!? See it doesn't makes sense!
But I have to give credit, where credit is due. You have a great story, you just need to structure it, and add tons of details, and reasons of actions. Like WHY THE FUCK, THE MOTHER HAS A FULL SET OF POKEBALL UNDERWEAR? But maybe that's a little detail of yours. I recomend to write more, try to pass the 1000 word counter. But your story is good, keep it going.
P.S. I'm also a huge fan of Pokemon, if you ever want to battle, give me a shout! Friend Code: 2766-9108-7430
Author's Response: This was originally going to be much longer but my exams are starting in a few weeks and I had only written this much so I thought I would upload it and the next part probably won't be till June and I'll make sure to explain everything. I haven't got the new Pokemon yet but when I do I'll play you