Date: 08/26/16 05:55 am Title: Chapter 1- Rebirth
Rated Explicit but hardly contains any sex at all, or sexiness. I mean great fantasy story and plot, sure some kidnapping threat and vengeance rewarded, just didn't seem to suit the site, but thats just my thoughts on it. I also find it hard to believe that a little child has the vocabulary of an adult at her age. Unless of course she is channeling her previous self. Quirky parts, was expecting a hot and steamy story and got a sci-fi adventure. Still enjoyable however.
Author's Response: Yeah, as more and more time goes by, I find myself more and more displeased with this story. Wrong classifications, poor character development, and worst of all terrible place of publication. I've had thoughts to remove it, but despite my issues with it, it's still the first story I'd ever written to completion, so there's a certain level of sentimentality. I'm glad you found it enjoyable, sorry for the issues that you took with it!
Date: 05/20/15 11:13 pm Title: Chapter 9- PEGS And Carol
Hi, this is a great story, but I'm not sure if it's in the right place. This story doesn't really focus on the parts about turning from male to female as much, which is the reason people come to this website.
Date: 02/14/15 12:07 pm Title: Chapter 1- Rebirth
He accepts all the changes. Is he apposed to be TG or just a man who was stuck in a babies body to stop himself from dying? Look I made this review just from the first chapter. Look at my stories for some guidence. Good luck on the story.
Author's Response: This story has been completed. If you don't enjoy it, then you don't have to read it. I am more than accepting to criticism when it's needed, but some of the things you raise in your two reviews of my story are just asinine. I mean, please. If you're going to criticize me, please don't use your own stories as example. You are by no means a bad writer, but never use your own work as a basis for judging others. No author should, because they have an automatic bias towards their product.
Date: 02/14/15 12:05 pm Title: Chapter 1- Rebirth
Ok I've been gone a while but I am back.you have still made many eras which will take you forever to fix if you ever wanted to get your book on the front page like it used to. First of all the chapters are so short. It does not have enough information. You jump to quickly into his resonings
Author's Response: 1: This story was being written during the 5 months between March and August of 2014. This is why the story no longer makes the front page. It USED to make the front page because new chapters were being put out. Now, the story is completed. I've written 28 chapters that I am proud of, and while there are a few issues, I wouldn't change anything. I look at this as an example of how far I've come as a writer since my early days writing on this website. 2: I actually laughed while reading your comment. Not trying to be rude or anything, but when criticizing my writing issues, you misspelled 'errors' Dude, I'm open to criticism, but really? Come on.
Date: 10/02/14 05:45 pm Title: Chapter 16- Paul's Tale
Interesting plot! What inspired you to come up with the eternal life attitude? I read on Wikipedia that it is a Christian belief, but I don't think there are any other philosophers who have actually bent the concept to the way they viewed it.
Date: 10/02/14 05:31 pm Title: Chapter 13- A Visit to the Hospital
That is interesting, to say the least. I on't think I had anyone like that, since I was always looked up to for my intelligence, since I am the shy type as well, but it's mostly when I go on social media sites and make others feel bad without actually trying.
Date: 08/15/14 12:22 am Title: Chapter 1- Rebirth
Hi, I just read this from start to finish, and I could see how your writing changed and evolved as you progressed to the finally! Other than some spelling and grammar issues I thought you did ok. I'm sure you'll get better over time, just don't stop writing! Just remember you can't please everyone, so just write as it pleases you! Loving Hugs Talia
Date: 07/21/14 10:32 am Title: Chapter 25- Forgive Me
thanks so much for continuing this story. you have gone so far with it and would love for you to end it. Also its 1 of my favorite storys :) so Please continue it till the end.
Author's Response: Don't worry, you can be sure that you'll get the rest of the story, as soon as I'm done writing it! Thanks!
Date: 07/03/14 10:04 pm Title: Chapter 1- Rebirth
For the most part, I've deliberately delayed writing another review for this series, because I wanted to see how everything would play out. I think I have enough material to give an honest review of the series so far.
I'm not going to judge your transition of the series from a reincarnated man's life as a little girl to what the story has become now. I understand that it would be difficult to just write 22 chapters of Alex just learning about life through the eyes of a former guy. You obviously wanted to shake things up a little bit, and in series like Of Heroes and Villains and the like which aren't just about the transgender elements, that's okay.
What I'm more concerned about is that this new aspect of the story, this tale of seven girls chosen to fight some menacing evil overlord who might as well be twirling his handlebar mustache next to a doomsday device, is completely generic. I mean, you could've named it "Alex Lawrence and the Seven Chosen" and it would've contained the same bargain bin material. It's like you looked at the Hunger Games, Harry Potter, and all the other young adult fictions, took the most cliche parts from them, and haphazardly stapled them into a narrative that you expect us to love.
For one thing, the story seems to enter new territory too quickly. First the girls are prized because they were reincarnations and the evil group wants eternal life, then it turns out the group actually want to power a doomsday machine and now all the girls suddenly have magical powers just because, then Alex's father suddenly becomes one of the heads of the group and her stepfather apparently knows about everything and just dated her mother to get closer to her (which is pretty creepy when you think about it), then one of the girls I didn't even give a shit about betrays the other girls because it was revealed just now that HER dad is one of the evil guys, then you have grapes that suddenly are enchanted to become magical reincarnating Senzu Beans or something, and so on. Do you understand what I'm saying? You're just throwing out random plot points with real link to the main story, hoping that they'll stick well enough to make a coherent narrative. I understand if you didn't have the writing chops to continue narrating Alex's childhood through a former man's eyes (the Lily spinoff story lasted what? Three chapters, before it would've veered into the same fantasy tropes), but you could've at least written a plot that would make a coherent bridge between what you advertised and what you really wanted to write.
Another thing that ruffles my feathers is that you are very clearly posting this story on TG Storytime. The initial few chapters show a girl's life through a man's eyes, that's great. But by the second half of the story, all of that doesn't matter and being a reincarnation is just an excuse for Alex to shoot fireballs out of her hands. I mean, it's an underlying assumption that all of the stories written on this website have a clear basis in gender transformation - even Of Heroes and Villains has a major plot being the gender change. On the other hand, you seem to drop that aspect around the tenth chapter. For all it matters in the story, Alex could've been born just as a UFO was flying over her hospital, or her godmother blessed her with an ancient spell, or she could've eaten magical fireball-spewing beans. For a story advertising itself as a man learning how life is as a girl, it really doesn't play up the TG aspect that much. Which wouldn't be a problem if the website it was hosted on was not designed FOR THAT EXACT PURPOSE.
Look, I understand you want to be the next Suzanne Collins or George R.R. Martin or some other prestigious fantasy writer by taking the most common cliches and serving them up on a boring platter. And it's obvious your personal life also influences your writing to some degree - the fact that all of your stories so far have either irresponsible or criminal fathers indicates you have a massive Oedipus complex. That's fine. Many writers have problems like that. All I'm telling you is that before you write your next story, you should work a little on your writing. Focus on writing a coherent narrative with little to no asspulls, try writing original concepts and ideas instead of things you've glanced off of TV Tropes, and if you're writing on a TG fiction site don't just assume that you can drop the TG aspect five chapters in.
That's my two cents, anyway.
Author's Response: Thank you for your very informative review. While other authors may argue against the points you have made in your review, I will not. I recognize that many of the points you made in your review are very fair judgments. Yes, I did want to shake things up a bit by adding the "seven chosen ones" aspect. Admittedly, I introduced the topic very poorly. I shouldn't have come in fifteen chapters late, and said 'Hey! New plot-point that will shift the entire focus of the story.' It is only recently that I realized the error of my writing. I would like to humbly apologize to you for this, and to all of the other readers that this has affected. When I was beginning to write this story, I did realize that there would come a time where I would have to shift the focus of the story eventually, and I definitely did it too suddenly. Once again, I apologize for this. Once again, I completely agree with you about the overall story being too generic. I would like to, again, apologize for all of the readers who have been driven away by this. I would also like to agree with you yet again. I did take a lot of inspiration from various science-fiction and fantasy series, such as the Hunger Games and Harry Potter. Addressing your next topic, I would like to truly apologize to all the readers for this next part. I am deeply ashamed to admit that while writing chapters 15 sand 16, I expected that because I had already established a reader base with my previous chapters, that I would be able to get away with the sudden and abrupt change that I was putting into place. Once again, I am deeply ashamed to admit this, and I apologize deeply. I totally agree with you about the story moving iunto new territory too quickly. I couldn't agree more with the Brotherhood issue, as I made a grave mistake there. Unwittingly, I turned them from a organization seeking eternal life into a group with a doomsday device. Even I didn't notice this, and when I did realize it, it was too late. The grapes were truly a mistake to introduce. Yes, the dad thing is extremely creepy topic. Even I as the author didn't truly realize how creepy the plot-line actually was until reading your review. I probably haven't chosen TGStorytime to post this story on. I shouldn't have shifted away from the TG topic so quickly, if even at all. The rebirth thing wasn't the correct decision to have in this story. Overall, I made way too many mistakes in this story. I was planning on having a few more chapters, but after reading your review, I am not sure if I should even complete this story. That is not because of you, it is because of the flaws you have made quite evident. I hold no hard feelings towards you for this. Quite the contrary, in fact. I commend you on your review. You are quite possibly the first person to leave a negative review on my story, and I love the fact that someone has finally given negative feedback to me. While it is true that no one likes a bad review, I believe that negative feedback is much more useful to an author than positive feedback. Also, you are one of the few reviewers on my story to leave more than a one sentence review. I love it when people leave actual usable feedback. Once again, I would like to apologize for all of the reasons stated above. I do have a few more chapters planned for this, so if you or any other readers don't want to read them, I completely understand. I don't hold anything against anyone who doesn't want to read the final parts of this story. Thank you again for your very useful review, and once again, I am very very very sorry for everything.
Date: 06/17/14 03:21 pm Title: Chapter 22- Death's Cold Stare
this story got way to dark.
Author's Response: I know that there has been a serious tone shift. This is, once again, why I posted the spin-off story. Feel free to read that one instead if you want. No one is forcing you to stay and read this story.
Date: 06/10/14 12:52 am Title: Chapter 21- A Fallen Hero
Okay this story is getting confusing. What happened to the cute parts of the story?
Author's Response: The story has kind of shifted away from those cute parts. That's why I posted the spin-off story, Second Chance- Lily. That will be magic-free, so if that's what you prefer to read, by all means, read that story instead. Sorry about confusing you.
Date: 06/03/14 12:54 am Title: Chapter 1- Rebirth
Hey throughout the story the mother doesn't have the wits to secretly go to the police and work things out.that's a bit stupid.
Author's Response: If your referring to before Kara was rescued the first time, there is a scene in chapter 9 where the mother vaguely states why she can't go to the police. I know this isn't a good answer as to why she couldn't go the police, but I didn't wan't to ruin the whole father plot-line with the police resolving the issue. If your referring to when Kara is taken by the Brotherhood, she did go to the police. This is in chapter 15. The mother doesn't know about the seven, so to her, it is up to the police to find her daughter. When Jonas took Kara, he had to modify her memory to keep her safe from the Brotherhood. If they believed that she knew about the prophecy, she would be interrogated and tortured. In later chapters, I will try to to explain a bit more. Sorry if this soured the story for you.
Date: 05/24/14 02:45 am Title: Chapter 1- Rebirth
This was good before the magic aspect. Now? Truly a masterpiece! I'm absolutely hooked and eagerly anticipate the continuation of your web of intrigue and mystery. :-) Easily 5/5
Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm glad your enjoying it!
Date: 05/14/14 11:48 am Title: Chapter 17- Piece By Piece
Oh snap ( yes i'll use the cliche :p ) ......
We'll that explains some things but adds more questions... so paul is like a weird yoda character now.. what powers does kara have and how did her father get out ring out first..
Can't wait to see what happens next
Date: 04/23/14 11:36 am Title: Chapter 10- Movie Night Gone Wrong
Wow, you know how to move from joy and happiness to absolute terrifying horror without skipping a beat. This story is amazing and I really hope Alex and her sister can be saved from the evil man who is their father.
Date: 04/18/14 10:47 am Title: Chapter 8- A New Day
Very promising, and you added it naturally. This was very well written. I can easily excuse the length, and I''m glad you got past your block. I can't wait to see how this progresses, and at what speed.
There is something I would like to see you work on, either here or in a new series that you create just to try your hands at certain techniques. A great time to make this change is if you do a time jump into the character's future. Use things like her maturing inner voice to express the growth of her new identity. This could help breath life into your characters, and helps us emotionally connect with them as we see how they see the world. The added bonus to something like that is that you fill space to stretch the length of the post, and you paint the world.
There are a couple schools of thought about this development of a world within a story. One thought is that the stuff you leave out allows the reader to become an active part of your work by filling in the gaps. This principal works best with things that are more image based, like film or comic books. It also works in stories, like the man Pip keeps running into in Dickens' Great Expectations.
The other school of thought leans more towards a reader's sense immersion through detail. An abuser and great example of this is Stephen King. If you've read one of King's more epic novels, like Cell, Dreamcatcher, Buick, It Talisman, Gunslinger, etc. then you now that King literally creates a world in the first 1/5th of the book. It is tedious, and can be annoying, but once the world is there, the reader sees the world the character inhabits. The added bonus if you're gonna turn this into an action mystery is that it allows you to pepper clues, and false leads to intellectually stimulate the reader. Of course Jim Butcher does this best, and you have no idea about the subtler hints towards a novel's specific mystery, and what is or isn't a hint for a mystery further down the series.
Finally, I liked the one sided conversation. The technique you use. The one dialogue line paragraph, which works well here isn't a standard because it leaves so much empty space on the page. As our main character develops cognitively, make sure give more detail about the mother's look, etc. I liked the rear view mirror thing. Like that. Children are surprisingly observant when it comes to stress in an adult's posture, and tone. I've seen little kids become much more alert to danger, or seen babies get upset when their mother frowns.
You have a lot of options, don't change the story so much it becomes a chore for you though. Please first and foremost have fun.
Author's Response: Thanks for the positive feedback! I'm going to try and implement some of the techniques you mentioned into either this story, or other stories that I'll write in the future. Thanks for the compliments, and ideas.
Date: 04/09/14 12:47 am Title: Chapter 7- Talk It Out
I really like this story, but I'm torn between wishing for more detail, and my acceptance that at this stage in Alex's life we'd be bored to tears. The other thing I feel conflicted is that because all of the main character's past memories are gone, there's little conflict. Essentially it's just an erasure of everything before rebirth. It makes sense, and I believe it, but I think what I'm getting at is that as a reader, it's a little bland.
Other than my own personal foibles, I can assure you I will continue reading to see where your imagination takes us even though this story's not what I like. I'm giving you 4 stars because it is a pretty well written piece, I caught a few spelling errors, but nothing unforgivable.
Date: 04/02/14 05:47 pm Title: Chapter 6- A Bad Apple
this chapter made me cry. I was sexually abused when I was younger. She was lucky.
Author's Response: I was, too. It was worse for me than it was for Alex, and I'm still appalled that there are people who do this to girls. I'm really sorry if this opened up some old wounds for you.
Date: 04/02/14 04:25 pm Title: Chapter 6- A Bad Apple
I'm sure there were other ways to improve the bond with Paul, such as rescuing maybe, or other normal things where something like that would happen instead of molestation and abuse.
I do like the idea of a teddy. I didn't know they used that but it sort of makes sense. I thought they usually used anatomically-correct dolls.
Date: 04/02/14 06:51 am Title: Chapter 4- Growing Up Bit By Bit
The feeling of love comes from a neurotransmitter called dopamine, which can still be experienced for instance in girls they like dolls and in boys they like action figures. It's tha ttime in their life when the brain starts to reward the pleasure centre with certain environmental stimulants.
Date: 03/27/14 01:48 am Title: Chapter 1- Rebirth
Obviously, since only three chapters have come out at the time of this review I'm not in any position to judge your work that closely. That being said, there are a few things I took from this story so far that you might want to consider.
The idea of a man being reborn as a girl is an interesting concept, especially if it's being written in the first person. However, you don't really need to go that in depth with the backstory. Not a lot of people will care that the protagonist was Sean Phillips, or that a priest chose him for rebirth or something. All you could really put is that a guy died, and is going through reincarnation. That's enough to please the people reading this story.
A slightly minor complaint is that the protagonist's new life seems...off. First of all, she's named Alessandra, which seems a bit too pretentious. I mean, Alessandra's primarily an Italian name and, considering she's nicknamed Alex, you could've just gone with Alexandra. The fact that her mother just decides to talk to her about her runaway convict father and her sister seems out of place as well. I mean, you describe the viewpoint of a child the day after she's born and suddenly you slip in "btw, your Dad mysteriously ran off before you were born and will probably appear in a later chapter lol"? Try to be a little subtle. I mean, you're writing from the perspective of a baby. No need to develop everything right away.
That being said, I like the general concept and presentation of your story. Keep up the good work.
Author's Response: Thanks for the input and the ideas. In the later chapters, I was planning to tie in the father thing, but I probably shouldn't have written about that whole issue in the in the first chapter. I will do my best to remain subtle until a certain point in the story, due to your suggestion. Also, I went back through the previous chapters to clear up the name confusion. Thanks again for the input.