Date: 03/05/14 09:35 pm Title: Familial alterations
This story is interesting. You developed the Alex/Alexis character well. I was very interested in them. Also, you transitioned well from the title into the first sentence. That worked nicely.
Some strange things I noticed...
"You've heard of my girlfriend..." This sounds like a strange thing to say to your son. Who would Alex hear about the girlfriend from, other than Alex's father?
"I glanced at the window, seeing Daddy with some girl who looked gorgeous, one who didn't work." I didn't really understand this sentence. She doesn't have a job? She isn't a good match for his father?
"Could you get me surgeries so that I do?" this happens a second after you find out that Nikki is pregnant. It seems like an unrealistic conversation.
All in all, a good story. I would say that the realistic beginning deviates too quickly into unrealistic situations. It might be better to make everything realistic or everything unrealistic. However, entertaining none the less.
Author's Response: Sorry for that. Some clarification: "You've heard of my girlfriend..." I meant that she heard of her from another family member she was visiting at a different point in time. "...one who didn't work." I meant that as she didn't NEED to work, that she looked as if she got men to do whatever she requested. "Could you get me surgeries so that I do?" Sorry for the unrealistic conversation there. I guess that one I just plain screwed up. Thank you for both reviewing and pointing those out, though. Glad you were entertained!
Date: 01/06/14 08:21 am Title: Familial alterations
Liked it. You gave me clues about things, but not with a spoon, and that's why I could give you 5 (Write it smart and you get my attention).
Author's Response: Thanks! I tend to have a problem with second guessing myself, and my teachers have convinced me that spoon-feeding clues is a good thing. I really don't remember how they did it, but I'm trying to undo that teaching.