Date: 12/23/19 09:55 am Title: Cuddle & Monster
A wonderful end. I will pose a question of, could you have started with the Mad god, slightly tweaked, and then done a more descriptive and less expository bit for Pepper and Cherry? I am uncertain which would be objectively better, but considering the options is often quite valuable for going forward.
Another point of consideration is the moment where Cherry attempts to enter the portal the last time. It leaves the reader reliant on your description's accuracy and clarity, and I can't imagine that it is the best solution to that moment.
Even with these questions, though, you should be satisfied that you have on the whole quite succeeded.
Author's Response: there's definitely ways I could've wrapped up the ending more elegantly, but I'm just happy I did give the story an ending in the first place. I like completed projects more than ones that end up on permanent hiatus when they're so close to the finish line.
Date: 12/21/19 04:26 am Title: Cuddle & Monster
Whoa! I think we are ALL going to need more explanations (grin). But I trust you'll deliver them. You are expanding and rounding out this story quite nicely. Thanks for the enjoyable read.
Author's Response: Thanks for the kind words!
Date: 12/17/19 09:26 am Title: Cuddle & Monster
I am quite enjoying this story. You have created a situation unlike anything I can remember, and your three heroines are quite nicely caught up in the action.
Your descriptions of magic are definitely light. Perhaps it is instinctive, but Cherry's desperate and/or unguided actions could be felt more thoroughly through the narration?
Pepper's development has felt very natural. You have certainly succeeded in pacing their gradient of selves.
Author's Response: Hmm! Thanks for the kindly words. I'll keep the magic feedback in mind for future stories I think, it's a bit too late for this one :p
Date: 11/30/19 04:22 pm Title: The Dungeon of the Mad King
This is really a great story. You packed so much variety into a few short chapters, and made everything come out all right - but in a realistic way and not in a sappy wish-fulfillment way. I'm really glad I read it.
Date: 11/15/19 04:38 am Title: Cuddle & Monster
Well, it's nice to see Cherry can control her from, going in and out of the plushie. However, her 'Midas' magic touch might be a problem. So how much more womanly can Pepper get?
Author's Response: Next chapter will more or less be even more exposition dump, hopefully you’ll find the answer to your questions~
Date: 11/11/19 09:37 pm Title: Cuddle & Monster
So this looks like a step up for Cherry, but a setback for Pepper. I hope they can convince Ashen to let them continue to work on restoring the other people the Warlock changed. Plus, I don't think Cherry could do much on her own to unlock the mystery of her powers. C'mon, ash. Give them a break. Pepper is not Lucius.
Date: 11/10/19 08:20 pm Title: Cuddle & Monster
Okay so she's living magick... I still have no idea what that makes her. And well yeah Pepper this is kinda what was going to happen. I imagine the next scene will be her explaining she's trying to undo all that stuff, so let her do that until they arrest her
Date: 11/08/19 08:55 pm Title: Cuddle & Monster
What in the world... paw? Was she a cat before? Was she turned into a cat or animal or something and just transfered herself to the plushie? This is... really interesting. I'm curious what they are seeing now, is Cherry a gaseous form, or an energy being. Hell maybe she's related to a celestial xD
Author's Response: Being an author is knowing your story so well that you end up not even realizing that, yes, to the reader, this will be a twist.
Date: 11/03/19 11:21 pm Title: Cuddle & Monster
Wow so the warlock got his biology rewritten entirely, his brainwashed so thoroughly nothing much is left. Cherry's magick is quite horrifying, no wonder you had the death tag listed. This is 1000% identity death. The warlock was a very bad person, but still it is what it is
Sorry about the previous post, wasn't at all how I wanted to come across so I deleted it and rewrote it because being tired and hungry is not a good time to try to write coherent thought x.x
Author's Response: The death tag was for the soldiers in chapter 1. I wouldn’t quite call Pepper’s situation an identity death though, and in fact she’d probably take offense to it being called that. But it does skirt near enough it that I won’t blame you for deciding to label it like that anyway. As a little exercise, take note more of the aspect of the warlock that stayed the same than the ones that changed. It’s mostly still the same person underneath, only with newfound empathy and a new gender. I’m gonna go into more details in a future chapter, but this is less that her point of view was replaced and more that a layer of growth was added on top.
Date: 10/26/19 01:33 pm Title: Cuddle & Monster
Wow, that's some heavy philosiphizing. "I must already be a woman because only a woman would want to be a woman as badly as I do." I'm glad Pepper is comfortable with who she has become. I assume the rest of the physical changes can't be too far away. I can't wait to see how she turns out.
Author's Response: I don't remember *how* exactly this line came to me while I was writing, but it was a very important one for me to write down into the story.
Date: 10/16/19 09:28 pm Title: Cuddle & Monster
Nice to see Mr Wizard and Cherry working together.
It would seem that Miss Knight would not be fooled by the warlock's feminine appearance, since she has her own magical abilities. Plus she knows the warlock is magical and would have logically altered his appearance to throw off the soldiers.
I do hope they are able to restore the soldiers, including Cherry, and that the warlock and her can work together to develop her abilities.
Your writing is very creative and professional.
Author's Response: Hm, I guess that's something I forgot to establish? When it comes to human magic, self-polymorphing is much more difficult, even nearly unachievable without rigorous training or special circumstances, compared to transforming others (which still does take training or natural abilities, but is different enough to be separate). Unless the knight had a reason to suspect an accomplice or knowledge in alchemy, there's no reason for her to expect the warlock to have changed appearance as a disguise - and add to that that the warlock's usual motus operandi is much less subtle solutions plus him seeking solitude, as well as a few things that'll show up in future chapters, that all adds up to having few reasons to expect this suave, cheery woman to be the same person as the spindly, menacing warlock.
Date: 10/11/19 05:18 pm Title: Cuddle & Monster
Well, it certainly seems that Miss Wizard is getting in touch with her feminine side. The way she washed, mended, and hugged Cherry was very nurturing.
You left the story on quite a cliffhanger. Another group has come to attack the warlock. How will he defend himself this time?
Date: 09/29/19 10:40 pm Title: Cuddle & Monster
How else was the Warlock supposed to word "Let's go catch some humans turned animals and find some corpses!"
Author's Response: Well he had a variety of ways at his disposal, but tact isn’t exactly his forte.
Date: 09/13/19 04:51 am Title: Cuddle & Monster
Awww, I'm picturing Gandalf lying down with a stuffed koala bear in his arms. Who knew evil warlocks had a sensitive side that could be brought out by a stuffed animal's misunderstood magic. Very curious where this story goes from here.
Author's Response: The closer comparison would be Saruman, hehe :p
Date: 09/13/19 02:34 am Title: Cuddle & Monster
Hey I'm enjoying the story so far, I'm just wondering if you intend to ever update Mer-maid? It's one of my favorite unfinished stories on the site.
Author's Response: Not at the present, no. I kind of wrote myself into a corner and I'm not interested in finishing it anymore. Heck, I should've left it as a one-shot and never wrote a second chapter, honestly.
Date: 09/12/19 10:00 pm Title: Cuddle & Monster
Interesting and entertaining story. Do wish that there was more to each chapter as you end right when things get interesting. Chapters are just...short. Other then that enjoyable read.
Author's Response: Aye, chapters are bite sized and that's not necessarily what people are after - but it's just how this specific story ended up coming out. Sorry!
Date: 09/11/19 09:34 pm Title: Cuddle & Monster
Too bad Cherry wasn't thinking about Godzilla when the magic hit her.
Very innovative start to the story.
I originally thought the story was taking place in the past, in a far-off place like Middle Earth. Then little clues gave it away that it is a more contemporary setting - pencils and paper for note taking, for example.
Keep up the great writing!
Author's Response: It *is* set in a medieval fantatic world - just one where bits and bobs of technology have advanced further than in actual medieval times due to the existence of magic.
Date: 09/05/19 09:49 pm Title: Cuddle & Monster
It's been a while since I beta-read your draft, and I don't remember exactly what happened in the first three chapters and what happened later, but I want to say that I enjoyed this a lot. The characters are well-developed, the plot is intriguing, and the way the issues are dealt with is satisfying.
Date: 06/16/19 09:55 am Title: The Dungeon of the Mad King
Didn't expect ROT13 here.
Author's Response: I needed an easy way to make the text look garbled :p. Unfortunately it reveals no special message, it's just an aesthetic manner to show that what the parents said was utterly void of value.
Date: 02/28/19 01:01 pm Title: The Dungeon of the Mad King
I can't give this five stars because of the grammar and orthography issues, but I really liked the character arcs and for the most part the plot. I liked the flashbacks to the various characters' backstories as much or more than the present-day plot. The worldbuilding could use some work, as it seems to lean a little too heavily on D&D for its magic system and some other things, but I can forgive that when the character arcs are so good.
If you would like help editing your work, contact me via this site. I've done proofing and editing for Rellawing, MrSimple, Tessarion, Shadow Dragon and some others.
Author's Response: I'm genuinely very surprised orthography issues still managed to slip through! Could you point me towards a few...?
Date: 02/20/19 05:45 pm Title: The Dungeon of the Mad King
I dont hate it... But i dont like it either...
My first hangup is over some of the word choices.
A few things derailed my reading. The first:
"decorated with bands of reflective fabric, given this property by the gold that was weaved in."
I get that its gold, shimmering fabric. I had to read this twice to understand that though and it strikes me as an awkward way to explain the appearance of the fabric. As a spectator i want to see what it looks like rather than know how it was made. Its a nitpick.
"I'm properly equipped, don't worry." Doan replied, taking out enchanted lenses he'd obtained in one of their precedent quests"
I dont know why you said precedent instead of previous or prior ... I dont know that this grammatically makes sense and if it does i think it stretches the meaning of "precedent" un-neccisarily. The fact is, regardless of whether its correct, i had to stop and read it again to understand what you meant.
Beyond that, this is an ambitious way to depict someone with multiple personalities? And i dont know that that's a good thing... i really dont understand if that's something personal to you that you projected onto the character or just a premise you thought would be fun to implement but im personally unsettled by how the "three modes" are discussed in the flashback.
I just... Don't enjoy reading this. Its work to understand some of the sentence structure and meaning, the pace isnt bad but the story seems to flow more like a narrated tabletop game than something that could conceivably occur in a high fantasy universe. (They talk about checking for traps and preparing equipment/spells like its a DnD session. The fact that the trap resets itself and is deactivated by an easily spotted lever is just... Weird...) There isnt anything for me to personally latch onto here. Lowell is loud and obnoxious, Roland is... A person. The mage doesnt have a name? And Doan is three slime girls in a trenchcoat.
The biggest put off for me is having a main character with multiple personalities. Maybe its good representation, maybe its harmful representation, maybe its neither. Whatever it is, it doesnt connect with me. Doan doesnt feel like a person who would conceivably exist. I cant beleive them as a person or persons and that makes the story as a whole hard to feel much at all about.
Author's Response: Yeah for the word choices I'll 100% blame english not being my mother tongue. I very often stumble like that. And, yes, this is definitely more of a tabletop story than a high fantasy one, I will completely admit it. I was more interested in writing the characters than the world around them and just took the love I have of tabletop to fill in the latter. Doan is a plural system. Plural folks exist in real life, and I'm median myself. I want them represented in my stories, I want people like me in my stories. I'm sorry that it was off putting for you.
Date: 02/18/19 06:01 pm Title: The Dungeon of the Mad King
So I'd been waiting a few chapters to put in a review but gosh this is so extremely cute. Just extreme warm and fuzzy feels. And the idea of a bunch of eggs just adventuring together and coming to terms with it with a little magical nudge is so we'll put together in this.
Author's Response: Thank you for the kind words <3 I plan on continuing to write magically wonderful little stories~
Date: 02/17/19 07:29 pm Title: The Dungeon of the Mad King
This was an absolutely beautiful story, completely unlike many others I've read. Thank you for it. Also a Mad king God of Chaos? Oh please write more of this world, I would love to see a new set of characters or even the old ones meeting up. IT's okay if this is truly the end but I admit I wish there was more. IT's so good and I love it.
Author's Response: Thanks a lot for your kind words, I'd be lying if I said your reviews hadn't helped with motivation along the way. I don't really have any plan to jump back into this world for the moment, but I won't close the door, cuz I never know how next inspiration will strike. Hopefully you also enjoy my other stories, at least my future ones!
Date: 02/13/19 06:03 pm Title: The Dungeon of the Mad King
Oooh a mermaid! But... wont she die on land? Can she breathe on land? I'm scared for her. Also yikes... that was really abusive, and... unfortunately what a lot of us go through. That poor girl... I had to let go of my own bigotry that was shoved into me since I was a baby. So I understand... I hope she'll be okay.
Author's Response: This is the kind type of mermaid that doesn’t dry out on land, because I’m not a mean writer. I’ll keep in mind to address this in the epilogue though. As for the other half of the worries, well, she appears to be in good hands to me~
Date: 02/12/19 02:47 am Title: The Dungeon of the Mad King
OMG KITTY PRINCESS YES!!! Wait then who is the queen? I'm curious. Also curiouser and curiouser the mad king was Trans also. This is awesome. I cant wait to see what becomes of our "favorite" bard. Hopefully he becomes less of an ass.
Author's Response: There's no queen, Leolia is the only one of her species. The title is more for show than anything, hehe. And, well, I think I've made the Mad King's situation as clear as I could. Lowell will definitely live... An adventure soon.
Date: 02/10/19 08:08 pm Title: The Dungeon of the Mad King
I love that she's a dragon now, but how will she get through the door. Also so many of them have so many secrets that the mad king seems to be HELPING them. I mean the way slime girl can scout is awesome and super helpful for adventurers. Being a scary dragon can protect your friends too. I hope she's not tooo big because again she'd never be able to leave and that'd be sad.
Author's Response: If it helps quell your worries, Boy hasn't become a full on dragon, but a dragonborn (the DND one, not the shouty dude from Skyrim). Those do still fit in doors! :P
Date: 02/09/19 09:59 am Title: The Dungeon of the Mad King
I absolutely adore the Doans already, and Roland is a very good friend. A very good team mom one might say (:3c I have insider knowledge as I'm dating the author and in an authors server with her for feedback)