Date: 10/23/19 07:13 pm Title: Bottom's Up!
Interesting story with a nice twist at the end. I was surprised that Claret had pursued KK for so long. Then to find out that Wil was pursuing Claret the whole time as well. I was hoping that Claret would be rewarded with a loving relationship with KK, but she does seem much happier with Wil. So a happy ending for everyone. Great job.
Date: 10/16/17 07:15 am Title: Window of Opportunity
Its really a great plot, and enjoyed the couple if life lessons that was installed for Nelson. Cody fell in a trap but she's a master and now what she want. I also had he idea that she figured Nelson very quickly, and she played him well.
The opening of the story was a bit spoiled by throwing too much of the plot in out laps, and it seemed you were hasty to get on with the story. The events in the first chapter could have been related much better, as a sequence of events rather than a dump. I only really get caught up into the story after the 4th chapter.
Around the middle of the story, after Clarissa's journey with Rhett, there story died off, a sort of anti-climax on top of all, and it took two chapters to really pick up in intensity. You should have used some of the minor characters or maybe Nelson to keep up the intensity, as Clarissa went through her anti-climax.
For me Nelson was too passive in the first half of the story, but yes he had a goal and wasn't really working at it. He could also have participated to keep tensions up throughout the story.
Keep going, I really enjoy your writing.
Author's Response: Thanks again. The whole series (you read The Boss's Coffee) was an early one for me. Looks like you're just getting going with my work. Given your thoughtful feedback and how I think you like to see a story presented, try Desire Oasis (Sci Fi) or All in for Charity or Collienti 37s. Those are more recent and, I hope, will scratch whatever itch you may have without some of the distractions of my earlier work. Oh, and look for Hazed, the one I'll publish next. I'm quite eager to see what you think of that one!
Date: 10/05/17 05:29 pm Title: Love and Money
I quite enjoyed the main plot of this story. Darien's transformation was very realistically created, which I enjoyed thoroughly, and therefore quite a turn away from "Bottoms Up", and the scenes are a lot calmer that "The Boss's Coffee", and made for good reading.
I'm not going to repeat any of my other comments on grammar, spelling and paragraphing. but only point out the new ones I've come across.
When Jaleh meets up with Andy there are some minor inconsistencies in the scenes towards the end, almost as the writer got hasty to finally bring the story to en end.
I did not enjoy the sudden 'spoiler' at the beginning of Chapter 16, you should leave all revelations for the Epilogue.
I enjoyed the pace of the plot development and the big question that gnawed at me from the beginning, "Ok Roxy, why're you doing all this, and why are you so resistant when it comes to intimacy." When she banged us with the sudden, "Ok I want a divorce" some sense came into her actions, but then her sudden change of heart created more confusion. Well done.
I trust I'm going to enjoy your work tremendously. Keep it up.
Author's Response: Thanks so much. This was an earlier story and I look forward to hearing what you think about more recent ones.
Date: 10/05/17 08:59 am Title: The Boss's Coffee
I was totally caught off-guard with this story, after having read "Bottom's Up". In general I did like the plot tremendously, and was caught by surprise of how far the 'revenge' had gone, to the point where revenge only seemed applicable to Maria. Her revenge actually backfired as Martin started really getting into he newfound role, driven absolutely crazy in seeking attention. This was also very important in his failure of being a 'boss'.
No for the downs: The theme of this story is totally in contrast with your first story, and as you referred people to your other books in this series when they disliked some of the scenes, I believe this story should probably not form part of this series.
Your paragraphing stays a problem as also noted by others: As guidance I would like to mention, that when the topic of focus changes, you should have a new paragraph, Don't mingle pure narration with dialog, and don't have two different subjects' dialogue in the same paragraph. Also, new time frames need new paragraphs, and always start a new time frame in the opening of the paragraph.
I've found you sometimes separate paragraphs dealing with the same topic. Tou also - a slipped I believe - have two subjects' dialogue in a single paragraph separated with a short relative narration, all in one paragraph and one sentence. You also started new timeframes in a continuation paragraph, and sometimes mention the new timeframe almost as an afterthought.
People read quite comfortable over minor grammatical and spelling mistake - that are also present in your narration, - but improper paragraphing makes your story very difficult to read.
Just one big blunder, - please attack me if I'm wrong, but Juan can't 'loan' Candice/Martin out, the have to 'lend' him out (with the purpose of use and the expectation of being returned).
Then as far as Maria's relation with HR is concerned, It's quite believable that she may have very good connections in HR, but when she relates all the HR decisions to her 'boss', almost as if she's the boss long before she's appointed, if got the facts slightly stuck in my throat. You should consider using a person with proper authority from HR to relate the decisions to Martin.
Please take this critique in a positive light, as I see everybody complaining about your paragraphing but no one actually offered constructive advice how you might correct that.
I'm in the process of reading the two last books in this series, keep on writing, as I want to keep reading an enjoying. Keep it up.
Author's Response: Thanks so much for the feedback. This is one of my first offerings and much of what you say represents problems I've since corrected. If you take a look at any of my new stories, you'll find that I've parsed paragraphs conventionally and cleaned up the presentation of the copy. I'll be looking for your reviews which, I hope, can just focus on the content instead of my sloppy editing! Thanks again!
Date: 10/04/17 05:45 pm Title: Bottom's Up!
I enjoyed the plot, fairly straightforward for a short story with a nice twist at the end. The characters that got introduced along the flow of the plot with it's subplots kept the suspense going.
Very speling errors, but came across rephrased sentences where garbled remains of the editing stayed put, I believe three such cases exist. The transition were done with objective in mind and therefor I forgive the lack of plausibility and transitions details, which would definitely drag this short into a full-blown novel, and maybe the purpose would also be voided.
Looking forward to enjoy the other three books in the series.
Date: 10/12/16 12:22 am Title: Window of Opportunity
Great story! I liked the different character's stories. For a while there I was feeling sorry for Nora, despite Nelson's misdeeds, but I guess she was happy in the end. I also felt a bit bad for Emma, who probably could have had something great if she wasn't so hurtful.
Author's Response: I liked having multiple characters in this one (most stories just have one main character). Glad you were able to appreciate them. Thanks for the review!
Date: 05/08/16 03:30 am Title: Window of Opportunity
I can't even begin to tell you how much I love this story. It's well structured. It's well written. The dialogue is great. It is honestly one of the best stories I've read in years.
You are really doing a great job with this story while still finding time to juggle two or three other fantastic stories -I think you are awesome.
I can't wait to see where this is going. * I have some idea, but I want to see what happens.
And if you would ever like to trade ideas or anything please let me know. I have a couple that I think you'd be fantastic writing.
Author's Response: I'm so glad you like it. I've written about 40 complete stories and am editing and reformatting them for the site. Much more to come! As to Window, I liked writing about two very different experiences at once and that, coupled with a little revenge, made the whole thing pretty easy.
Date: 05/06/16 02:03 pm Title: Love and Money
There are a couple of grammatical issues that pulled me out of a moment, but you did a good job of capturing the voice of Jaleh. Nicely done.
Author's Response: So frustrating when I find those! I proof twice but sometimes miss typos, wrong auto-corrects or missed words. Hopefully, it doesn't happen too often! Glad you liked it.
Date: 05/05/16 05:49 pm Title: Window of Opportunity
I know you end up punishing your characters in the end, but those few paragraphs where Nora is trying to convince Mike she likes boys, before the blowjob, that's some good, solid stuff.
Author's Response: Thanks. Actually, I noticed that too many of my posted stories include revenge. Geez, I just seem a little bitter or deranged! While I do think that makes for a fun story, it's not all that common in what I've been writing. I'm nearly done editing my all-time favorite (and longest) and it has none. Anyway, thank you for the kind words.
Date: 04/28/16 06:03 am Title: The Boss's Coffee
Well then O.o I know revenge is a dish best served cold but this story served it out colder than ice, I actually felt sorry for Candy and though it worked out in the end I couldn't say that I liked the result. Still the story was well written, even if it did make me feel rather uncomfortable at times, the lack of paragraphs makes it feel that the pace was rather fast though.
Author's Response: Thanks for the feedback. I think it would benefit from a re-write. I did, however, intend for this to be a cold one to balance the way I usually write.
Date: 04/28/16 04:37 am Title: Bottom's Up!
Wow...just wow, now if only a powder like that actually existed XD though I'd pass on it if it made one super horny, that would just be awkward. The effects are somewhat similar to actual HRT, though the body shape doesn't change quite so much, nor does the voice which for a lot of people requires practice and at times specialised voice training. I can only assume that the job Alan/Claret is in pays pretty darn well since breast enhancement surgery would cost a few thousand on its own. I do feel that I could offer you some constructive criticism though, I didn't notice many spelling and grammatical errors as I have in some other stories, but I did have a little difficulty following the story at times as your paragraphs(if any) are not separated properly which makes things feel a little rushed here and there. The cause may be something other than you the author, but I just felt I should point that out, as I would have two returns between paragraphs to split the piece up a bit so that there would be a full empty line between each paragraph in my own writing.
Author's Response: Thank you for everything. The paragraph thingy is a surprise because I write in Word and use paragraphs but they don't translate on the site. I'll need to change the way I set it up in Word. My idea for this series was to create a fictional compound that wasn't quite real, but not completely sci-fi, so, yeah, some of the effect of "MF100" can't be achieved today. I usually try to be more realistic. I do like writing about situations devoid of real issues (like STDs and, to some degree, financial constraints). You'll generally see that my characters can afford the basics of their new lifestyle. I know it's not always reality but I just love to see these boys become the girls they need to be! Thank you again and I hope you like my others.
Date: 04/26/16 02:26 am Title: Window of Opportunity
I hope Maria and Rhett are as nice as they seem. This is part of my fantasy in some ways. Nelson seems to be getting even more skeavy. Please don't let him hurt Clarissa.
Author's Response: I'm enjoying your enthusiasm as much as I liked writing the story!
Date: 04/25/16 02:44 pm Title: The Boss's Coffee
I seem to have mixed feelings about this story. Don't get me wrong, it's a good read and very well written, it's just the plot seems a little to superficial if thats the correct use of that word. It's a great concept for a story but I don't like how you just turned him into a big breasted bimbo, that size is way to big. I also dislike how you keep refering to Juan as the "big mexican", if you want the reader to know that he is, infact a big mexican, just state it once when you initially describe him and let that be that, there is no need to keep bringing it up. Nethertheless i am enjoying this story and will continue to read :)
Author's Response: You're right about the bimbo part. This character is a little different for me and I wanted to try it out. You may like the others in this series more. Oh, and the "Mexican" thing comes back as the story progresses. Maybe I overdid it, but this is a revenge story and I wanted to emphasize that. I think your critique is accurate and, like I said, this was a different approach. Try Bottom's Up or Love and Money for stories that don't have these issues and thank you!
Date: 04/25/16 01:25 pm Title: The Boss's Coffee
for some reason your story won't download. could you check it please?
Author's Response: Hmmm, it looks ok to me and I just had another review. If it's not working, maybe you should ask the site manager?
Author's Response: Hmmm, it looks ok to me and I just had another review. If it's not working, maybe you should ask the site manager?
Date: 04/23/16 11:53 am Title: Window of Opportunity
This was the best section yet. I loved imagining myself traveling down this path. i also secretly want someone like Nelson to be my master and become a very willing submissive toy. I do hope that Nelson becomes more connected as the story progresses. Let him train and mold her without becoming mean and uncaring. This has such a strong romantic core and I want to be able to enjoy this ride so much. Please continue.
Author's Response: I'm so glad you're enjoying it. I won't give the story away, but it completely written. I'm posting new chapters regularly. Given what you said, you might really enjoy The Boss's Coffee and Bottom's Up as well (they're in the same series).
Date: 04/20/16 04:40 pm Title: Bottom's Up!
I read in the shoutout section someone 1 stared all your stories. I gave them 5 stars so now they're at 3 stars each I guess, but I think it sucks that you got 1 stared because you didn't deserve it. I for one definitely look forward to your ambitious 4 parallel stories. :)